Sunday, December 14, 2008

Words of (Sci-fi) Wisdom...

I've been watching a lot of sci-fi lately, and even reading some.  All of this science-fiction exposure has led to some words of wisdom that I think would apply if you were ever to find yourself caught in a science-fiction story.  It is important to note that these bits of advice don't apply to the real world, but only to the science-fiction world, and should only be used in that particular reality.

1.  If you see a door open, or open a door yourself, and it makes an ominous noise, beware.  The door may or may not be dangerous.  The best way of knowing if it's immediately dangerous is the tone of the noise.  Minor key noises, bad; major key noises...well not good, there are no door-opening-noises that are good exactly, but if the noise is in a major key it's unlikely that a guy with a laser is about to charge through the door.
2.  All super-powerful artifacts are intrinsically dangerous.  In fact, the danger of the artifact is related directly to its power.  That is to say, the more powerful the artifact, the more dangerous it is to the user.
3.  If there is a place in the universe that you don't want to be, that's where you will find the person/object/information that you need most.
4.  If there is a wise and comforting mentor in your life, she/he will be dead as a door-nail by the third act.  Sorry, there's nothing to be done about it.
5.  If someone approaches you holding a harmless looking object in a threatening or ominous way, it very well may be an artifact of immense power (cf. item #2) and you should treat it accordingly.
6.  Grunge metal music in the background is a bad thing, especially if it's in a minor key and especially if there is somebody nearby welding something.
7.  Be very careful who you trust, you never know if it might be a killer robot.
8.  That woman/man you can't stand and constantly exchange sarcastic banter with?  That's your soul-mate, may as well just get it over with and make out with her/him already.
9.  Footsoldiers, peons, and "average" badguys of every description are the worst shots in the universe.  If one of them has you in his sights I wouldn't worry too much.
10.  Finally, the mystical power or energy that you think is bunk?  It's actually the most powerful tool available to you and you may as well just get on board with it.

Again, these pieces of wisdom are offered as a public service to all those of you who might, at some time or another, find yourselves in a science-fiction story.  I do hope that you find them helpful.


Colleen said...

Very funny guy.

Dustin Resch said...

These are hilarious! Perfect.

Jinny and Colin said...

Hahahaha, that was great.

Little Missus Sunshine said...

Great list! Very true.